Unhealthy Narcissism
What is it?
Related articles

Trauma Bonds

The Music
of the Narc
Behaviour patterns  
used to abuse
Think of my diagram as parallel to waves which come in many different shapes and forms whilst all sharing a common thread.  In the case of a person displaying unhealthy narcissism they all display the same behaviour patterns.  Some narcissist will deploy all the traits and some just cluster of their preferred defences.    Waves are energy and we humans are parallel in that respect. We all spend our energy in a different way; we can be distinguished from one another by the way we look and behave.  Science tells us there are distinct waves, for example transvers, longitudinal and surface waves. A person displaying unhealthy narcissistic traits consist of all three waves (and more) in that they move at right angles to other humans, never really alongside them although the illusion they project; will almost certainly be one of "I'm with you". But this movement will be mostly on the surface and
Be clear Narcissism is a personality disorder the Narc won't be able to change self

BUT

Also be clear it is literally him or you!

Narcissists don't own any empathy for others although they have perfected the art of mirroring your's. As such we mistake what they project and transfer onto us as their when in fact its not!
have longitudinal properties in that they can move to the depths of another person but not their own being.  Waves travel back and forth and are rarely if ever still, they may look still on the surface but are in reality always in motion.  Narcissist are similar to a graceful swan serene on the surface but paddling like mad underneath trying to keep afloat and balanced, which the unhealthy narcissist can never be.   Longitudinal waves have the power to travel through the core of the earth and create earthquakes which produce hot molten iron lava that consumes, burns and destroys everything in its path. In human terms this is the behaviour of a person known as a Narcissist. 

Their primary wave moving through their body and yours as their secondary wave enmeshes you, creates your co-dependency and dependency on them, their primary wave seething away sending ripple after ripple subtly through you building pus, ulcers and abscesses in you like a malignant cancer growing a septic carbuncle infesting your Soul by  continually transferring and projecting their fantasies, their low-frequency acoustic energy, use and abuse you with their electromagnetic wave until you can no longer supply them with fuel, exhaust all you had and then they hit you like a Tsunami destroying you with their venomous velocity traveling at the speed of light. 

All with a smile upon their face!

Be clear any bitterness any thoughts of revenge, any being upset, angry, bitter wanting revenge ALL gives the Narc pleasure.  They 'can't' help themselves even if they had a notion to do so.  Naricissim is a personality disorder.  If you expand all your energy on the negativity of what was instead of what is s/he will be soaking it up in their twisted way.  Soaking in all your intense emotions and you will be in an unstable state.  Perhaps not being able to function.  All this energy expenditure does nothing for you and your healing.  Once you can accept the person you love is afflicted with this horrendous 'disorder' .  You can begin turning all that energy back around to where it belongs onto your self to heal from the effects of such devistating consequences of someone else's behaviour has had upon you. 
Recommended Reading

"When Love Is a Lie: Narcissistic Partners & the Pathological Relationship Agenda"

Zari Ballard



Getting well is your mission from this moment on.

Getting well, stable and productive is your mission. To do this you need to get as much information about Narcissim and what the Narc does to entice you and keep you 'there' how they  bond and abuse you.  So you can unravel, make sense and heal!

Where does the concept of Narcissism come from? 

Narcissus

 Several versions of the Greek myth remain, the classic version is by Ovid, the story is about Narcissus, Echo and Nemesis, it goes something like this.  Narcissus was walking along in the woods when Echo, a mountain nymph saw him and fell deeply in love and began following him.  On sensing someone was following him he called out who there and Echo replied with who there eventually revealing her identity and attempted to embrace Narcissus, who stepped away and told Echo to leave him alone.  Echo was heartbroken, with unrequited love she spent the rest of her life in lonely glens until nothing but an echo sound remained of her!  Nemesis the goddess of revenge heard of this story and decided to punish Narcissus since Echo was now nothing but a sound repeating what she heard.  Nemesis lured Narcissus to a pond and on seeing his own reflection not realising it was his own image he fell in love with what he saw; eventually seeking sterilized pure love he began to recognise and eventually saw this type of  love, the love he had for himself could not be reciprocated by anyone else and died by his own hand completing suicide.

The moral of this story is we all have a nemesis of one degree or another, be careful what you wish for and be careful of revenge it never got anyone anywhere positive!


Please note:  whilst Narcissus was male it follows therefore more males are inflicted with unhealthy narcissism, however females can and do deploy unhealthy narcissist traits.

Narcissus-Caravaggio_1594-96_image  from Wikipedia]

Recommend Reading

Mr Unavailable & the Fallback Girl
 
Natalie Lue




 
Narcissism lays on a continuum and the pendulum will swing for everyone along the continuum.  With little or no self-love at one end to obsessive
'love of self' which is malignant at the other end.  The middle ground is healthy self-love with empathy and compassion for others and self equally.

What is Narcissism?  

Healthy - Narcissism refers to self-love and indeed we all have a tendency for self-love in fact it is a necessity of our personal survival for example healthy narcissism means I will care for my personal needs and the needs of others equally.  If I have all my needs fulfilled, then I can offer my care and attention to others genuinely knowing I won't be
diminished personally by doing so.  If I have healthy self-love then at other times my needs can become secondary, fulfilled at a later date if someone I love is in more need than me.   If I am in a partnership and neither of us have our needs fulfilled  then with healthy narcissism we will try to fulfil both our needs, my partner will also be doing the same; in other words we have each others backs!  For example, for tea tonight I will cook and my partner will pick up that special fish order I placed last week, I will cook and together we will sort the pots so we can both sit down and enjoy each other's company -  this is a win-win situation.  

Healthy narcissism is the balancing of our needs equally with the needs of others, sometimes saying yes to others and sometimes saying no, if a yes means I will not be OK.  Healthy means just that and is characterised by owning a healthy self-esteem without being cut off emotionally from others, owning self-efficay and being emotionally intelligent and balanced.  Being connected to others and also something bigger than ourselves such as God, the Universe or a high positive power.  What drives a healthy self-love is a person who at their core has  good intentions towards others and equally towards their self, empathy, compassion, warmth, kindness  all the fruits of a positive spirit along with love, joy, peace, patience, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness.   All these positive traits are consistent, dependable and reliable 95% of the time.

Unhealthy - Narcissism can be thought of as the opposite of the positive fruits of the spirit for example what drives unhealthy love of self  is a person who at the core of their being has no substance, is always dark with very little light being allowed in, they are mean spirited towards others, the only person they truly consider is ME, myself, I and use others to get what they want, they are cold, conniving, calculated and above all else false to the outside world. 


The person with unhealthy love of self is one of life's greatest pretenders. For example in the same situation as above the person afflicted with unhealthy narcissism will expect you to read their mind and know they placed an order for fish and that it needs picking up and/or they will expect you to cook it their way and criticise the way you are cooking it and/or mock the way you choose to cook it.  If you didn't pick the fish up you may hear I told you the other day, YOU needed to collect the fish when they never did ask you to collect it, they will swear unrelently that they did.  Followed by something like ˜do I have to do everything around here. They may go on to insult, belittle and/or berate what you are doing and this may turn into everything you ever did which wasn't to their liking,  you will end up confused, upset, emotionally depleted by the raging bull that just stampeded all over you. 

If they went and got the fish, you may be reminded of your failing not to have known to collect it, i.e. I went and got it because I knew you would forget (mind reading and fortune telling, put down) either way you won't have eaten the fish dinner you spent time cooking, the narcissiat will jib and jab at you verbally until you feel fed-up, disorientated and wonder what just happened! 

The only back the narcissist has is his or her own.  None of that will be shown in the outside world or when your relatives or friends visit, they will be the polite girl, the gentleman, offer the performance of an Oscar winning actor so their image does not slip.  Their mask will however slip and slid in front of their target especially when they are getting ready for another devalue and discard, the silent treatment and stonewalling.    This is the 'why' others often don't believe the victim because they don't ever see the opposite side of the Narc because the Narc's mask is fixed firmly on when with them, the Narc will be different with you in public to what they are in private where they will be the master performer, the showman or showgirl, offering the perfect person and behaviour.

 Healthy narcissism would say oh dear someone forgot to collect the fish nerr mind we can have pasta instead!  You would have eaten together, had a laugh about it  and shared the evening happily.  

Recommend reading

Fifty Shades of Narcissism: Your Brain on Love, Sex and the Narcissist: The Biochemical Bonds That Create an Addiction to Our Abusers

SHAHIDA ARABI

All the world's a stage, and all the men and women merely players. They have their exits and their entrances, And one man in his time plays many parts. Shakespeare

What causes unhealthy Narcissism?  - The cause of developing the traits of unhealthy narcissism is not known exactly, it is likely to be a number of things and be complex nothing will be black or white other than the narcissists thinking mode.   Research suggests parenting styles (or whoever gives care to the child) are mismatched to the child's needs or parents who indulge their childs every whim or create the 'special' child or the opposite and parenting styles which neglected, harsh treated, criticise or ignored.  The child built skills in order to survive in childhood.  Most articles I have read on the causes of narcissism seems to have a common thread which leans towards a bio-psychosocial causality; nature equally to nurture.   What makes one child susceptible to gaining a personality disorder when another child under the same circumstances will develop depth empathy for others is unknown, most of it is still guess work which doesn't really help anyone.

Whatever the cause the affects upon the victim will remain the same .... cruel and devastating

Who are Narcissist? 
You, me your neighbour, teachers, therapists, mums, dads, siblings, doctors, nurses, lawyers, dustmen, bus drivers, friends, colleagues in short anyone because they live and walk amongst us!  In all likelihood though if you are asking yourself the question Am I a narcissist?  The answer will more than likely be no since by all accounts those people deploying the harsh traits which can be considered unhealthy narcissism inflicting others with devastation do not ever develop the insight or personal awareness into their true selves, therefore would never contemplate that question in the first place and are not seeking to change only to find new ways to gain supply.  Although in my experience they do know they are not like others, they don't class themselves equal to others and they usually underestimate their self-esteem when talking with other. They do not want to change their behaviour why would they when they can have what they want when they want;  they are very skilled at getting their own way at the expense of others.  Narcissim is a personality disorder the
traits the Narc deploys is to protect their own self and can be thought of as their defence mechanisims, they are protecting self from anialation and being reduced to nothingness because in their core is nothing but a black hole where a soul should live.  So you can begin to understand their behaviour as actually nothing to do with you and everything to do with them just them and it is very sad apart from the fact they devour, hurt and break other people.

Who are Narcissist?  To others users and abusers full stop!!!!!

Who are victims? - Victim can be anyone full stop.  The
narcissist person will have chosen them for a number of reasons for example the victim may already have been a victim in the past they may have suffered trauma and betrayal of any kind in their own childhood including abuse from others with unhealthy narcissism.   You may have known the narcissist for some years before they choose you through work or friends or family.  So they will already know your background or some if it or you will have met them randomly and the narcissist looked at you through the eyes of excitement as a new source of supply because you were nice to them and they need you to be nice to them because they are not nice to anyone.   You are not thought of as a person by the Narc you are solely there to feed their ego and as such they see you as a supply for that in narc speak you are known as a narsissistic supply, depersonalised as a human being attributed a place in the stock room where you are supply on demand.  Brought out when the narc wants something from you not when you want or need anything from them, in fact when you do they will withhold what you want to punish you.  

 
Don't be hard on yourself  - Because the narcissist only lets you see what s/he wanted you to see and know all  the good qualities they project of course are yours not one of them will belong to the narcissist because s/he will have mirrored all those wonderful values,  beliefs and positive traits of yours in order to 'suck' you in like a hoover!  The Narc may also be your father, mother, siblings or any relative as such if as a child you needed that person to survive then you will have grown up around narcissists and never knew it! In adulthood b
y the time the manipulation is recognised a victim will already be heavy invested in the narcissist because s/he makes sure you are before hitting you with their true colours.  By invested I mean as a victim you will have invested lots of time, socially and personally, you may be invested by creating a family together and invested by creating a home together as such all your finances will be directed towards the 'family'.  You will have invested psychological energy and more than likely the whole of your emotional world into the relationship with the Narc, there's no better way to bond to another then through sex, you will also have invested mentally and spiritually.  Since you trust, love and adore him or her and you will be so in love you will believe and feel this person is your Soul mate. 

BUT and there's always a but ... this is the illusion the narcissist has lead you to believe.  None of it is true!  Because remember the narcissist is only out for themselves even if they have children with you they will sadly be seen by them as an extension of their own ego and as such in need of being controlled as you are!  In the eyes of the narcissist of course because if s/he can't control you then their needs are not fulfilled and also know their needs cannot ever be fulfilled because they are insatiable.  Hence the constant affairs and the need for newness in the latest fashions, the latest and most up-to-date technology the best holidays, the best car, the best children, the best wife or husband the best of everything and anything which can be perceived by the outside world as "here I am and I am a success" the opposite of how it really is.  With a narcissist nothing is what it seems and to a person with unhealthy narcissism their image is everything to them, their ego needs constant stroking by everything external because their internal world amounts to a big fat zero, nothingness it is empty and void!  They are the dark destroyer in the night, in the day 24/7.

Recommended reading

Narcissists, Abusers and Batterers: The Tools Used to Encourage Trauma Bonding in their Partners (Transcend Mediocrity
Book 69) Kindle Edition

 J.B. Snow

The fact the Narcissist - has no substance and knowing that fact can sadden us and make us even more compassionate towards them as a person.   Also know these facts - a Narcissist is a thoroughly unfeeling person who will not even bat an eye or look back at the devastation they have caused you.  We are out of mind until they want something from us.  Hit by the Narcissist venom you will be left with all their negative feelings; thinking they belong to you, wondering what the hell you did wrong and what the hell just happened! 

If you reflect back to how you felt and thought at the beginning of the relationship with the Narc  you may find you sometimes thought "that's a bit odd" or "that's a total overreaction" or felt a little icky sometimes but let those thoughts and feeling go not thinking anything was wrong in particular or putting it down to "everyone has a bad day” which has some truth to it that is why its believable. But at the time not being able to put your finger on it or get past all the lovey dovey stuff to really take notice for long anyhow.  

Now though somewhere along the marital relationship, the partnership or friendship you may be experiencing a nervous breakdown, depression, psychotic episodes or turning to alcohol, drugs or food for comfort.  Your self-esteem and confidence is not as grounded as it was or you may be feeling guilt and/or shame the majority of the time.  You may be desperately unhappy and feel trapped or be on edge all the time you may be suffering panic attacks or be constantly ill or 'off it' a lot or any combination of negative consequences which you may attribute to 'how I am!



If you are having an affair with someone who also has a spouse or in a long term relationship they will be saying things like "you knew the score" and remind “you knew I was married" or "this is how it is".  They will have set you up to fail from the beginning because they will never leave their spouse they never had that intention because the spouse or long-term partner serves them well in the image stakes of being seen as successful, balanced and normal!  But really it’s just a smoke screen because they will be using you both to be pitted against each other in comparison and competition known as triangulation, what it means in real terms of behaviour is when the Narc is upset with you they will use the wife to make you jealous and vice versa.  In the case of the wife it will be subtler and when they are getting ready to discard you they will pit the new source against you as well as the wife. 

The fact is YOU are ALL just pawns in the same game the Narc has created.  

At each devaluing and discard will leave you suffering all the effects of grief and loss a breaking, cracking heart, be turned upside down, inside out without any sense of how you got here or what the hell to do from here.   All these things serve the narcissist to cover and veil the real dynamics for your personal behaviour; you will be far too busy with your own real and genuine feelings to have time to 'see' anything else that might be going on and furthermore the narcissist will actually be sabotaging any effort you put in to get well, gain information or leave because they don't want you to change because the more you suffer the more pleasure they derive from your suffering!  You will in the eyes of the narcissist only leave when they decide when they have inflicted as much pain, hurt and destruction as possible.  That is how they get their kicks in life out of others pain. 
Sick I know 

Narcissism is a personality disorder and they ought to come with a health hazard warning attached like toxic waste does so we can all see who they are and so we can avoid them at all costs.

BUT

The Narc does not care, the more confusion, chaos, drama they can created the more the Narc relishes in your pain and suffering!  If you are married or live with them, or just plain ole love one then they will on the surface of things look like they are supporting you but there will be a price to pay if not now somewhere in the future when you've totally forgotten their act of kindness and support or taken it as part of an equal relationship.  Because that's what loving partners, husbands and wives think and do, they support each other, this is not so with an unhealthy Narcissist you will have to pay it back, however long it takes, but it won't be in kindness, gentleness or doing something constructive to help the Narcissist because he/she doesn't need anyone's help or support, least of all yours.  You will pay it back with an argument an angry silence, or with violence as the narcissist turns into a raging bull in acting out a Narcissistic rage. or even a smear campaign against you in order to turn others against you and to collude with them.  All this will have been evoked by you of course in the narcissist eyes since you didn't stroke their ego how they wanted it stroking when they wanted, or you will have outlived your use since they will have got tired of you and say something like "I'm tired of you having an answer for or knowing everything" or if you've been having an affair they may say "I love my wife/husband" or they will see you are on to them and make a quick exist and stonewall you. However, it is, however they behave it will and always will be your doing. But know this it rarely has anything to do with you it’s all about them always both positive and negative.


Only the narcissist - will know what you are paying them back for, they won't enlighten you so you can reflect upon yourself and change if change is needed.  You are paying back something you didn't create at a time that will cause you the most pain and hurt.  For example, you might have a very heavy cold and in need of TLC and rest, the narcissist will always go one better and he will have flu and need you to look after them even though they are an adult who can look after themselves.  They will lay on the settee watching you run around after them, their needs will always come before yours and they will relish in the fact that they can see you getting more and more unwell, more and more run ragged by your care, attention and love for them.  You will get more and more run down as you attend to them and some of the time they won't even be ill at all just another pretence so you can pay them back for some minute transgression from last year perhaps or a word you said that they took to mean something it didn't.  Whatever you will be to blame and they will ensure you pay them back.  Or you will find yourself in the middle of an argument with them without you even knowing what, why, where or how this argument began as the narcissist rage takes hold.  Its all smoke and mirrors 'see' so they can justify themselves with their entitlement.

Whilst you have become a person you don't even recognise anymore with a broken spirit the narcissist is patting their self on their own back for a job well done; whilst moving onto their next target who they have already been grooming and now sat in prime position to take over from where you left off.  You are more than likely in the middle of a stonewalling, a silent treatment or a discarding temporary or permanent.  The narcissist can't be left without a supply ever so he/she usually has several supplies on the go at any one time.

If they were to be left without a supply who they mirror and suck all the positive constructive feelings, thoughts, values and belief the narcissist would be left to face the pit of their nothingness which is not an option because that is intolerable for them ...... so the waves of idealize, devalue and discards begins again with another unsuspecting victim.   As the narcissist replaces and hoovers you, so you may still be in the picture just in case the narcissist can 'use' you again in the future offering you their crumbs now using tactic such as dosing, hovering and offering you just enough contact when it suits them to keep you hooked.   If you are married or living with your partner they will keep you continually hooked so their image of successful relationships is seen by the outside world so their image remains in tact to the outsiders looking in. But their marriages and all relationships are false built on lies, lies by omissions and false truths; since anyone attached to them is seen as an extension to themselves especially spouses and their children. 

They have an Ostridge view of themselves and their behaviours
or they appear to have I'm not sure if they know or not I've never worked that one out YET!



Be aware - Whilst you are not perfect because no one is of course, but know this fact YOU did nothing wrong this is all about the narcissist whose life script consists of ME, ME, ME and only ME and who's to blame when things go wrong is you, you, you and only you since nothing will be owned by the narcissist.  They take no responsibility and are never accountable for what they do, in thier own eyes they are entilted to have and so they take take take, take until you have nothing left for them or yourself.

What we need to understand - In our deepest being is the love WE feel, the love WE have, the affection, empathy and compassion we offer others the Narcissist soaks up is not the love they have or will ever have to offer you or anyone else and not themselves.  What s/he does and absolutely with precision is adapt and highly skilled at mirroring all those feelings of yours, s/he is akin to a cuckoo stealing your inner sanctum and pretending it is their own.  It’s not its yours!  What they offer is smoke and mirrors turning the smoke into fog and smog to create a veil over what is really going on.  The narcissist even tells lies when the truth is a certainty but know the truth is logical and the Narcissist does not think, feel or behaviour logically.

As an empathic and loving person - it is difficult to understand a Narcissist is incapable of any real love, affection, kindness, empathy and compassion towards a fellow human being; the Narcissist only ever 'behaves' in favour of themselves, everything a Narc says, everything a Narc does and everything a Narc is, is about their self.   The Narcissist is fundamentally flawed in that they do not and cannot think, feel or behave as would be expected of a loving caring compassionate human being would behave.  For us who do feel and feel deeply it is difficult to even imagine 'no feelings' we can't the task is impossible because we can't rid ourselves of our feelings ......  we feel and thank god we do because our feelings guide us in what we do, how we behave and how we are within the world, how we connect to others and our world.



An example of a famous Narcissist here in the UK is Jimmy Savile.

On the face of it he was an upstanding citizen everyone adored or at least liked, 'good ole Jimmy' he was well-known famous a celebrity who engaged in charity work, raised thousands and thousands of pound and was seen as a socialable human being, charming, charasmatic, thoughtful and as it seemed a caring, compassionate man.

However underneath this mask lay the real man who was the exact oppopsite of his public persona never did anything for others only for himself he sexually abused everywhere he went.  The people he claimed to help with his charity work he helped himself to them.  These people were vulnerable, lost or young and impressionable.  He didn't care he just took what he wanted when he wanted without a thought for his victims.  He was able to fool many in his lifetime.

When I think about this in relation to pedophiles it makes sense doesn't it because they don't think or they act like they don't feel or think they have done anything wrong.  They are unaware of the devastation they have left behind.  


The Narcissist looks like the fruit of a mature tree and for a while they taste like the sweetest, juiciest and freshest fruit we have ever tasted or seen. This is what they want you to see and taste but sadly they are the most barren tree which bears no fruit of its own.


Question 


When can you tell if a Narc is lying?

Answer ... whenever they open their mouth!

What's more to the point a Narcissist can't change no matter what you do or don't do

Sad but true!



They don't know, feel, think or believe they have done or do anything wrong.  Therefore don't need any change or  saving, rescuing, fixing or have anything to heal.  They believe they are right at ALL times and see you as the wrong one, they walk all over you with hob nail boots on.

In actuality their behaviour is
hell on earth as it impacts upon others destructively with meaness and cruelity.

The only thing you can do is protect yourself  get  away from them and stay away!


The Pendulum is in perpetual motion

There is life after the narcissist and know 

YOU can heal

The Narcissist can't.

That is your best revenge if revenge is what you seek

Although revenge is never ever sweet!

HEALING IS!

Wish them well as you move forward

start focusing on healing your Self!

If you are suffering here and now or have ever sufferered at the hands of a Narcissist and are ready to make sense of  what is happening to you contact me for support today and heal the fear that binds you!
 



For the interested person information on physics and deeper activity of waves can be found on the following links
http://www.physicsclassroom.com/Class/index.cfm
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Seismic_wave#Love_waves

Picture are taken from Pixabay and can be found
https://pixabay.com/

Susan Stubbings Doncaster