In the depth of the
darkest black hole I found myself and there I sat
for many a year
with myself, beside myself
and in spite of myself ....
One day I saw myself
and I became" 
(Susan J Stubbings, 1997)

Suggested reading
Books can be found on Amazon UK

It costs so much to be a full Human Being
that there are very few who have the enlightenment.   Or the courage to pay the price...
One has to abandon altogether the search for security,
and to reach out to the risk of living with both arms;
One has to embrace the world
like a lover
and yet demand no easy
return of love.
One has to accept pain as
a condition of existence. 
One has to court doubt
and darkness as the cost
of not knowing;
One needs a will stubborn in conflict
But apt always to total acceptance
Of every consequence of
living and dying.

Morris West 
The Shoes of the Fisherman

Let's start at the very beginning
A very good place to start
When you read you begin

with A B C
When you sing you begin with Do Re Me
Do Re Me, Do Re Me
The first three notes

just happen to be
Do Re Me, Do Re Me
Do Re Me Fa So La Ti

The Sound Of Music - Do-Re-Mi

Julie Andrews
The clock of life is wound but once,
And no man has the power
To tell just when the hands will stop
At late or early hour.

To lose one's wealth is sad indeed,
To lose one's health is more,
To lose one's soul is such a loss
That no man can restore.

The present only is our own,
So live, love, toil with a will,
Place no faith in "Tomorrow,"
For the Clock may then be still.

Robert H. Smith

For the meaning of life differs from man to man, from day to day and from hour to hour. What matters, therefore, is not the meaning of life in general but rather the specific meaning of a person's life at a given moment.

Viktor E. Frankl

Personal profile

Susan Stubbings
Known as Sue - I've always had one of those faces who people felt and feel able to share their life stories with on buses or when stood in a queue.

In my experience many who professionally care for others have been to places not of their choosing; psychologically and emotionally speaking.   My own story is no different having embraced a deep personal process of healing from a swallowing down whole of a traumatic start and what others would have me believe without question.   Navigating myself through time very much blindly and alone in the beginning. Reflecting I felt pretty much alone as I walked that particular path, but found courage from somewhere within and a strength to remain here.
Before healing many years later when it all came flashing back with vengeance,  in the explosion I found I didn't know one thing about what I carried around in my head, I realized I was walking around in this unknown psyche and body without a clue of who I was, where or what I was or how to find me, what is this me anyhow?   I woke up in the eye of my storm being squeezed through the eye of a needle not knowing what to do, think or feel I wasn't prepared for any of this. 

After some months of being returned involuntary to my childhood negativity, in the beginning the subliminal messages resurfacing, taking over, taking on a life of their own "don't feel, don’t speak, don't tell, don’t think, don’t do anything, just don't exist"  fear, abandonment, loneliness, isolation, separation and the abyss.  After some time had passed the positive began to creep in too like a strike of lightening in the storm, thundering homeward bound, although I didn’t know it at the time. It was just another confusion. 

Sitting in my abyss commanded action because as I found we can't sit in it long and each second feels like a forever in itself when in the void; eventually the experience awoke other childlike qualities such as curiosity, imagination, an openness to Self and this experience I found myself in had a transparency very frightening in the beginning; but for the other qualities upholding and supporting.  I found tolerance and resiliency which in my childhood had sustained me well, now activated to live in the present.  After a lot of argument, self-reflection  I turned my trauma and grief over to God the Universe.  Befriending a faith of the unknown and not  knowing began anew from rock bottom.  Not being able to connect with others on any level I returned to my love of books, found a new direction. 

The three books opposite changed my way of thinking, feeling and way of being profoundly,  The title of one of them became my personal motto which supported my direction, I still use to this day!  Eventually, cautiously finding courage to share with another and found others on similar travels, opening my world up beyond recognition; I was no longer alone unless I chose to be. 

I've learnt we can't unlearn what we know or have known 
once we've seen, heard experienced something negative or positive, its inside somewhere even if out of conscious awareness.  The negative has a lasting impact upon us and some research has suggested it is imprinted so ingrained (especially if in childhood) trauma can and does affect us for the rest of our life.  Exploring  gaining new awareness and insight compels us to do something different, it almost demands  action.  My personal healing a catalyst for courage, compassion and connection; discovering choice, a questioning, creative mind set which is now after much effort emotionally skilled beyond imagination.
I've found as I've travelled, life owns me nothing, it never promised to be anything but life, I've discovered it is up to me to make the gift of my individual life as productive, peaceful, happy and rewarding as I can.  That said that thought alone at times has empowered me and at other times scared the living day lights out of me; times I sought support from others further along the path then me.   Mostly now though it motivates me to live the life I choose with empathy and compassion for all others since we are all one family!

Susan Stubbings Doncaster